Power Struggles
Power Struggles
Superficially speaking, we can characterize most human communications as pleasant, indifferent, or stressful. Most of the problematic communications we have can be characterized as power struggles. Most power struggles can be broken down into fight-or-flight, or attack-and-defense thinking.
What this means is that we need to go one step deeper for any kind of resolution because none of these types of communication are satisfying, and typically they get us what we don’t want. Even if you “win”, you lose.
Going a step deeper we find that all communications are fear-based or love-based. Even more accurately we can say that most human thoughts and words are anxiously loving or lovingly anxious.
Once you recognize this meaning behind the power struggle, you can relax because both parties are on the same page. We are anxious whether we attack or defend. Recognizing mutual anxiety allows one to relax, be non-judgmental and allow love to enter the picture.
While an attack-and-defense kind of thinking may appear to be necessary or advantageous, it only adds more stress and dissatisfaction in the long run. You have a choice. You can realize that this type of fight-or-flight thinking which occurs in your mind is not necessary or helpful. You can choose rather to think of this conversation as lovingly anxious. Then you are in charge. You are no longer a victim of someone else’s speech. Both the bully and the coward are in need of being able to express love, but both may be afraid to love.
A third hidden factor in all power struggles is pain. Attach and defense both arise from pain. Face your own pain and realize how you have kept it alive. That will make all of your future conversations more relaxed and loving, because you understand the depths of things. Attack-and-defense are superficial reactions, and do not come from our spirituality. When you realize that people get trapped in their own pain perceptions and do not know how to get out, you can check to be sure you know how to forgive and transcend your own pain. This step then enables you to respond rather than react to others defensive behavior. You don’t need then to judge, avoid or change the other. You can be present with understanding. Then they will see themselves in a clear mirror and be able to see what they need and want to change. You then allow the process to continue without feeling you have to fix it right now. Its okay to leave things up in the air if you have done your homework on your half of it.
We are all anxious lovers, learning through many difficult experiences to be more loving than anxious. Anyone who presents us with that challenge is the “enemy” we need to be able to love, because that enemy lives within us.
Superficially speaking, we can characterize most human communications as pleasant, indifferent, or stressful. Most of the problematic communications we have can be characterized as power struggles. Most power struggles can be broken down into fight-or-flight, or attack-and-defense thinking.
What this means is that we need to go one step deeper for any kind of resolution because none of these types of communication are satisfying, and typically they get us what we don’t want. Even if you “win”, you lose.
Going a step deeper we find that all communications are fear-based or love-based. Even more accurately we can say that most human thoughts and words are anxiously loving or lovingly anxious.
Once you recognize this meaning behind the power struggle, you can relax because both parties are on the same page. We are anxious whether we attack or defend. Recognizing mutual anxiety allows one to relax, be non-judgmental and allow love to enter the picture.
While an attack-and-defense kind of thinking may appear to be necessary or advantageous, it only adds more stress and dissatisfaction in the long run. You have a choice. You can realize that this type of fight-or-flight thinking which occurs in your mind is not necessary or helpful. You can choose rather to think of this conversation as lovingly anxious. Then you are in charge. You are no longer a victim of someone else’s speech. Both the bully and the coward are in need of being able to express love, but both may be afraid to love.
A third hidden factor in all power struggles is pain. Attach and defense both arise from pain. Face your own pain and realize how you have kept it alive. That will make all of your future conversations more relaxed and loving, because you understand the depths of things. Attack-and-defense are superficial reactions, and do not come from our spirituality. When you realize that people get trapped in their own pain perceptions and do not know how to get out, you can check to be sure you know how to forgive and transcend your own pain. This step then enables you to respond rather than react to others defensive behavior. You don’t need then to judge, avoid or change the other. You can be present with understanding. Then they will see themselves in a clear mirror and be able to see what they need and want to change. You then allow the process to continue without feeling you have to fix it right now. Its okay to leave things up in the air if you have done your homework on your half of it.
We are all anxious lovers, learning through many difficult experiences to be more loving than anxious. Anyone who presents us with that challenge is the “enemy” we need to be able to love, because that enemy lives within us.
posted by Dr. Joe at 9:50 AM
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